Concert Tragedy

There'd been obvious warning signs. She started wearing a black trenchcoat. A log of her internet activity showed she was frequenting websites devoted to glues, epoxies, pastes, and even chemical bonding. In her personal weblog she began to make references to wanting "to glue the entire combustible world to itself." Ominously, she began to visit local craft stores, asking questions about various types of glue guns.

Her classmates worried about her growing fascination with adhesives, but they told nobody. Her parents noticed she seemed somewhat withdrawn, but assumed it was "just another phase" and she'd outgrow it.

Then, just 48 hours before the incident, she purchased a DT-750 Dual Temperature glue gun from Blix Office Supplies. She filled out all the forms, underwent the compulsory instant background check, and paid using a credit card. She walked out of the store with a plastic bag containing one of the most powerful gluing devices available outside of the military.

"We followed the letter of the law," said D'artagnan Bingport, the manager of Blix Office Supplies. "We had no way of knowing what she was planning. We regret the incident and offer our condolences to the victims, but the problem didn't begin with our selling her a glue gun. How were we to know?"

"I was right next to her before it happened," said Condoleeza Triplehorn, who attended the concert on the night of the incident. "She acted normal enough, but I thought I could smell Elmer's or maybe SuperGlu on her. I moved away from her. God must have been looking out for me."

Seventeen of her fellow concert-goers weren't so lucky. "She just pulled out the gun and began gluing people," said 23 year old Martin Drought. "There wasn't no warning. I never saw anything like it. Except, like, in the movies. Did you ever see that one movie? The one where the alien glued up, like, the entire crew of that space ship? That was totally cool."

The injured were fortunate that the concert was staged just a few miles from St. Jodocus Hospital, which has a nationally known adhesive trauma unit. St. Jodocus (also referred to as St. Iodoc) is the patron saint of sailors. Doctors say the seventeen victims suffered first degree adhesion injuries, the worst including a young man whose hand was glued to the top of his head. Most of the victims sustained mouth-gluing damage.

The physical effects of the incident will heal. Experts in adhesion trauma, however, say it may take years for the emotional wounds are resolved. "Some of these kids will never again be able to build a model airplane," said Dr. Wilmer Fineman. "All they wanted to do was attend a concert. What is this world coming to?"

What indeed?

posted by greg @ 2:37 PM