Jackson's 95 Theses - Thesis 31
Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions are set forth.
Thirty-one: It is Mortally offensive for canine companions to be Purposefully and Deliberately subjected to the haughty Affronts of cats. Such daily Humiliations are contrary to the laws of Nature, in that of the two animal companions it is the cat that is the Smaller and Weaker (viz., several cats would be Required to ingest a single canine, whereas a single canine could with ease ingest several felines).
Concert Tragedy
There'd been obvious warning signs. She started wearing a black trenchcoat. A log of her internet activity showed she was frequenting websites devoted to glues, epoxies, pastes, and even chemical bonding. In her personal weblog she began to make references to wanting "to glue the entire combustible world to itself." Ominously, she began to visit local craft stores, asking questions about various types of glue guns.
Her classmates worried about her growing fascination with adhesives, but they told nobody. Her parents noticed she seemed somewhat withdrawn, but assumed it was "just another phase" and she'd outgrow it.
Then, just 48 hours before the incident, she purchased a DT-750 Dual Temperature glue gun from Blix Office Supplies. She filled out all the forms, underwent the compulsory instant background check, and paid using a credit card. She walked out of the store with a plastic bag containing one of the most powerful gluing devices available outside of the military.
"We followed the letter of the law," said D'artagnan Bingport, the manager of Blix Office Supplies. "We had no way of knowing what she was planning. We regret the incident and offer our condolences to the victims, but the problem didn't begin with our selling her a glue gun. How were we to know?"
"I was right next to her before it happened," said Condoleeza Triplehorn, who attended the concert on the night of the incident. "She acted normal enough, but I thought I could smell Elmer's or maybe SuperGlu on her. I moved away from her. God must have been looking out for me."
Seventeen of her fellow concert-goers weren't so lucky. "She just pulled out the gun and began gluing people," said 23 year old Martin Drought. "There wasn't no warning. I never saw anything like it. Except, like, in the movies. Did you ever see that one movie? The one where the alien glued up, like, the entire crew of that space ship? That was totally cool."
The injured were fortunate that the concert was staged just a few miles from St. Jodocus Hospital, which has a nationally known adhesive trauma unit. St. Jodocus (also referred to as St. Iodoc) is the patron saint of sailors. Doctors say the seventeen victims suffered first degree adhesion injuries, the worst including a young man whose hand was glued to the top of his head. Most of the victims sustained mouth-gluing damage.
The physical effects of the incident will heal. Experts in adhesion trauma, however, say it may take years for the emotional wounds are resolved. "Some of these kids will never again be able to build a model airplane," said Dr. Wilmer Fineman. "All they wanted to do was attend a concert. What is this world coming to?"
What indeed?
Boots and stuff
Okay, this is starting to creep me out. I mean, like, what's this rock doing here that looks like a boot? Why's it look like a boot?
I saw this show on the Discovery Channel, or maybe it was SciFi channel, I don't know. But I saw this show and this guy on it...he was like a science guy...he said there was a sculpture on one of the planets (Mercury? Is that still a planet?) that was a human face. A really, really HUGE human face that was visible from space. And maybe, this guy says, it's like a sign or something. You know, like in 2001 A Space Odyssey, only that was a big black slab of some kind of rock and not a face. But a face is cooler for a sign. A big black slab of rock, that could mean almost anything but a face is like really pointed at us. Us here on Earth. Otherwise it wouldn't be a human face. It would be like Martian or Mercurian (sp?) or whatever.
So I'm wondering is this boot-shaped rock is a sign. Like maybe there's treasure buried under it. Or an alien artifact. Or maybe boots or something.
That would be cool.
Best of the Best
Commander "Tex" Hunter's eyes focused on the distance as he listened to the voice coming through his Mark 7 transceiver headset. "That's affirmative," he said softly into the microphone.
He turned his steely grey eyes on his three member squad. They'd been through so much together; they were more a family than just another special ops squad...a family he may have to sacrifice for the good of the mission. Josie, the 'little sister' whose pert cuteness hid one of the sharpest minds ever to be awarded a Ph.D in Sub-Nuclear Theoretical Web Design from Princeton...and she could cook too! Marty, the 'younger brother' who tried so hard to live up to Tex's standards. He'd shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And finally, Inuk, 'the clown' of the family. There'd been some who doubted the beluga whale's committment to the team. Inuk had put those doubts to rest by setting a new record on the obstacle course...and never lost that beluga sense of humor.
Hunter scanned their faces one more time, hoping they'd all make it through the mission. Josie's face was alight with eagerness. A relaxed smile played across Inuk's countenance. Marty, as always, looked serious.
"Okay, we've practiced this a thousand times," Hunter said confidently. "You know what to do. I'll take care of the guards. Marty, you blow the door. Josie, you hack the computer and get the info. Inuk, you gather some fish then spin in a tight circle. Any questions?"
He knew there wouldn't be. They were ready. They were the best of the best.
"Right," Tex said. "Then let's go earn our pay."
Jackson's 95 Theses - Thesis 17
Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions are set forth.
Seventeen: It is Mortally Cruel, in conditions of bitter cold and new snow, to Require canine companions to Suffer the elements in order to execute Natural bodily functions. This imposition is made all the more Onerous by the necessity to perform the ritual Search for the Perfect spot to pee.
